Cover image for Mars and Venus starting over : a practical guide for finding love again after a painful breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one
Title:
Mars and Venus starting over : a practical guide for finding love again after a painful breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one
Author:
Gray, John, 1951-
Personal Author:
Edition:
First edition.
Publication Information:
New York : HarperCollinsPublishers, [1998]

©1998
Physical Description:
xviii, 334 pages ; 22 cm
Language:
English
ISBN:
9780060175986
Format :
Book

Available:*

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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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HQ801 .G713 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf
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Summary

Summary

Is it possible to find love again after a breakup, death, or divorce?

The end of a relationship can sometimes feel like the end of the world. Devastation, loneliness, and bitterness are some emotions that exist due to a breakup, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. But with the help of this compassionate guide, Dr. John Gray expresses that you will survive and tells you how to find love again.

While the process of healing is similar with both sexes, there are distinct differences between the ways men and women heal their bruised hearts. In Mars and Venus Starting Over, Dr. Gray offers gender-specific advice on how to:

Deal with pain Find forgiveness Discover the strength to let go Rebuild confidence Rise to the challenge of finding fulfillment again

Filled with gentle guidance, healing practices, and compassionate wisdom, Mars and Venus Starting Over will help men and women explore the meaning of loss, find their way through the healing process, and discover the secret to moving on.


Author Notes

Author of the best selling Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (1992) and its sequels, John Gray is a frequent guest on popular talk and news programs on both radio and television and teaches seminars on relationships and communication. He has written over fifteen books including Why Mars and Venus Collide. His books have been translated into 45 languages.

He lived as a monk for nine years, receiving his bachelors and masters degrees in Creative Intelligence from Maharishi European Research University. He received his Ph.D. in psychology from Columbia Pacific University and is a Certified Family Therapist. He is also a consulting editor of The Family Journal. In 2001, he received the Smart Marriages Impact Award.

(Bowker Author Biography)


Excerpts

Excerpts

Mars and Venus Starting Over Chapter One Mars and Venus Starting Over When single again, men and women face different challenges. Just as we think, feel, and communicate differently, we also respond differently to the loss of love. During a crisis of the heart, a woman's instinctive and automatic reactions are not the same as a man's. Her issues are different as well as her mistakes. What is good for her is not necessarily good for him. In a variety of ways, their needs are worlds apart. It is as if men were from Mars and women were from Venus. Although we cope differently, both men and women can experience equally agonizing feelings. Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. For most people devastated by the loss of love, it is beyond anything we could have expected, predicted, or imagined. Starting over after a divorce, a painful breakup, or the death of a loved one can be the most challenging experience of a lifetime. Our hearts ache as they cry out in loneliness and confusion. We are stunned by our helplessness. We fight inside with our inability to change what has happened. We become distraught as we sink into the depths of despair and hopelessness. We feel lost and abandoned in a sea of emptiness and darkness. Time slows down and the passing of each moment seems like eternity. After a loss, we fight inside ourselves with our inability to change what has happened. It is a struggle simply to fill each empty moment and get through the day. At times the bittersweet pain of loss is replaced by a dull numbness, but then something reminds us of our loss, and once again we long to feel and love again. Never before have we experienced our need for love and connection so agonizingly. As we are forced to face and feel the raw pain in our hearts, we realize our lives will never again be the same. Eventually, when the healing process is complete, we fully let go. In our minds and hearts, we surrender and accept that we can't change what has happened. Being single again, we start to rebuild our lives. Once more, we begin to reach out to give and receive love. Although we could not have imagined it, our lives come back to a sense of normalcy. After the darkness of despair, the warm, comforting, and soothing sunshine of love reveals itself once again. Although this happy ending is possible, it is not guaranteed. Understanding the Healing Process To heal a broken heart, we must be able to complete the healing process.This requires new insight and understanding, but most people are not aware of what is necessary. We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school,nor is it something with which we have a lot of practice. Being in the dark and vulnerable, we either blindly follow the advice of friends and family, or we simply follow our own instincts. We make decisions and choices that may sound reasonable but quite often are counterproductive. Though we find temporary relief, in the long run we do not nurture or complete the healing process. We are not taught how to heal a broken heart in school. After the loss of love, some people do thrive again. Many are not so successful. After spiraling down to the depths of despair, they never make it out to the other side. To various degrees and in different ways, they continue to suffer their loss. Aware of the pain of losing love, they hold back from fully opening their hearts again. Others, who appear to have let go, sometimes really haven't. They believe they have successfully moved on, but have done so at the cost of closing the door to their hearts. To avoid feeling their pain, they have moved on too quickly. As a result they have numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing it or recognizing how they did it, they have closed up. They carry on in their lives unable to feel the love in their hearts. Their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted. Becoming single again is definitely a crisis. Like any crisis, it is a time of danger and a time of opportunity. The opportunity is the possibility of healing and strengthening your heart and mind so that you will move on healthy and whole. The danger is that you do not complete the healing process. Time alone does not heal all wounds. How we cope with the loss of love determines the rest of our lives. How the Heart Heals To ensure that we complete the healing process, it is important that we understand the basics of how the heart heals. This process is most easily understood and visualized by considering how a broken bone heals. An emotional wound is abstract, but a broken bone is very tangible and concrete. Recognizing the various steps in healing a broken bone can assist us in acknowledging and respecting the needs of our broken heart. When a bone breaks, our body already contains the natural healing power to correct the problem. It hurts, but eventually the pain goes away. As long as we don't interfere, the body heals itself automatically, in a predictable time period. When this automatic healing process is allowed and nurtured, the bone will actually grow back stronger than before. In a similar way, if you are able to nurture the healing of a broken heart, it also will grow back stronger. The pain and despair will pass, and you will find love and joy again. When a broken heart heals it actually grows back stronger. When a bone is broken, it must be reset and then be protected in a cast to allow the body's automatic and natural healing processes to occur. If the bone is not reset straight, then... Mars and Venus Starting Over . Copyright © by John Gray. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold. Excerpted from Mars and Venus Starting Over by John Gray All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgmentsp. xi
Introductionp. xiii
Part 1 Mars and Venus Starting Overp. 1
1 Mars and Venus Starting Overp. 3
2 Why Does It Hurt So Much?p. 13
3 Emotional Lag Timep. 23
4 Grieving the Loss of Lovep. 38
5 Getting Unstuckp. 46
6 Good Endings Make Good Beginningsp. 62
7 The Feeling Better Exercisep. 77
8 Finding Forgivenessp. 88
9 Saying Good-bye with Lovep. 96
10 Letting Go of Hurtp. 123
11 The 90-10 Principlep. 134
12 Processing Our Hot Spotsp. 145
13 Always Remember the Lovep. 174
14 101 Ways to Heal Our Heartsp. 190
Part 2 Starting Over on Venusp. 207
1 Carrying a Big Listp. 209
2 The New Pressures of Datingp. 214
3 Date Around, but Don't Sleep Aroundp. 216
4 Glorifying Our Pastp. 220
5 Staying Stuck in Griefp. 222
6 The Betrayal of Loving Againp. 224
7 Sex and Self-Esteemp. 227
8 Sex, Obligation, and Self-Worthp. 229
9 Expecting the Earth to Shakep. 234
10 The Movies vs. Real Lifep. 237
11 Attracting the Wrong Partnerp. 239
12 Overromanticizingp. 241
13 Woman Seeking Sensitive Manp. 244
14 Focusing on the Negativep. 248
15 Who Needs a Man?p. 251
16 Women Who Do Too Muchp. 256
17 Taking Care of Othersp. 264
18 A Woman's Fear of Intimacyp. 267
19 My Children Need Mep. 269
20 But My Children Are Jealousp. 275
21 Acting Out Feelings Rather than Communicatingp. 281
22 Learning to Be Happy Alonep. 288
23 All or Nothingp. 293
Part 3 Starting Over on Marsp. 303
1 Man on the Reboundp. 305
2 Sex on the Reboundp. 311
3 Positive Addictionsp. 314
4 Work, Money, and Lovep. 317
5 Love Is Not Enoughp. 321
6 Learning from Our Mistakesp. 325
7 We Don't Have to Stop Lovingp. 327
8 Unrequited Lovep. 328
9 Taking Responsibility to Let Gop. 331
10 Soul Mates Are Not Perfectp. 336
11 Being in a Hurryp. 339
12 Recognizing a Soul Matep. 341
13 Living Out Our Fantasiesp. 343
14 Can't Live With Them and Can't Live Without Themp. 346
15 The Endless Searchp. 349
16 Holding Backp. 353
17 Being vs. Doingp. 356
18 Bigger Is Betterp. 359
19 Finding Balancep. 363
20 Picking the Right Womanp. 369
21 Learning to Say Good-byep. 373
22 Self-Destructive Tendenciesp. 378
23 Finding the Power to Providep. 388
Afterwordp. 397