My life is officially over -- It all started with free drinks -- Off I go! -- The announcement -- Self-help ain't helping -- Tears and sesame chicken -- The ring didn't mean a thing -- Alone forever -- The fantasy suite -- Holy hairy legs -- Daddy knows best -- Namaste my ass in bed -- Will you marry me? -- Restraining order -- Mr. Regret -- Let's talk about sex, baby! -- Moving out -- Burn, baby, burn! -- The moment I knew -- The master asshole list -- The dreaded text -- Revenge -- Mayday -- Cupid is stupid -- The interview -- If I show up dead, tell the cops he did it -- Running away -- Chi-town and the ex -- The empty proposal -- Start spreading the news -- The relapse -- You can't change history -- The end -- The beginning.