Bream gives me hiccups: restaurant reviews from a privileged nine-year-old -- Family: My little sister texts me with her problems ; Separation anxiety sleepaway camp ; My mother explains the ballet to me ; An email exchange with my first girlfriend, which at a certain point is taken over by my older sister, a college student studying the Bosnian genocide ; My prescription information pamphlets as written by my father ; My nephew has some questions -- History: Men and dancing ; Final conversation at Pompeii ; Alexander Graham Bell's first five phone calls ; Marxist-Socialist jokes -- My roommate stole my ramen: letters from a frustrated freshman -- Dating: A post-gender-normative man tries to pick up a woman at a bar ; A post-gender-normative woman tries to pick up a man at a bar ; A guy on acid tries to pick up a woman at a bar ; A lifelong teatotaler, embarrassed by his own sobriety, tries to pick up a woman at a bar -- Sports: Marv Alpert is my therapist ; Carmelo Anthony and I debrief our friends after a pickup game at the YMCA ; A marriage counselor tries to heckle at a Knicks game -- Self-help: Smiling tricks your brain into thinking it's happy ; If she ran into me now-- ; A bully does his research -- Language: Nick Garrett's review of Rachel Lowenstein's new book, Getting away -- A short story written with thought-to-text technology ; If I was fluent in-- ; My spam plays hard to get ; Manageable tongue twisters -- We only have time for one more: We only have time for one more.