Cover image for Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist : how to end the drama and get on with life
Title:
Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist : how to end the drama and get on with life
Author:
Fjelstad, Margalis, 1945-
Personal Author:
Edition:
First paperback edition.
Publication Information:
Lanham : Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc., 2014.

©2013
Physical Description:
viii, 219 pages : illustrations ; 23 cm
Summary:
People with borderline or narcissistic personality disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate relationships, they can be emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling in the extreme. Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant, like flipping a switch. These negative behaviors do not happen once in a while, they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often, and especially with their caretaker family member. Here, the author describes how people get into a caretaker role with a borderline or narcissist, and how they can get out. Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the borderline or narcissist needs them to be. This compromises the caretaker's self-esteem, distorts their thinking processes, and locks them into a victim-persecutor-rescuer pattern with the borderline or narcissist. The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows caretakers how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier, more productive, and positive lifestyle, with or without the borderline/narcissistic partner or family member. It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the borderline or narcissist and how to take new, more effective actions to focus on personal wants, needs, and life goals while allowing the borderline or narcissist to take care of themselves. It presents a realistic, yet compassionate, attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships, and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions.
Language:
English
Contents:
Understanding the Caretaker Role. Is my partner really a borderline or narcissist? ; Why the borderline/narcissist needs a caretaker ; What is a caretaker? ; Caretaker involvement levels ; Emotional distortions of caretakers ; Thought distortions of caretakers ; Behavioral distortions of caretakers ; Distortions in the sense of self ; Relationship distortions of caretakers. -- Letting Go of Caretaking. Stages of healing ; Challenging the BP/NP family rules ; Beginning to heal: embracing new beliefs and behaviors ; Increasing your self-confidence ; Nurturing and caring for yourself ; Anxiety-reducing skills with the BP/NP ; Change-creating skills with the BP/NP ; Leaving or staying. -- Rebuilding. Moving forward in a healthy way ; Reaching out to others ; The new you ; Caretaker test.
ISBN:
9781442238329
Format :
Book

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Central Library BF575.N35 F54 2013 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area
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Summary

Summary

People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate relationships, they can be emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling--in the extreme. Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant, like flipping a switch. These negative behaviors don't happen once in a while, they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often, and especially with their Caretaker family member. Here, Margalis Fjelstad describes how people get into a Caretaker role with a Borderline or Narcissist, and how they can get out. Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the Borderline or Narcissist needs them to be. This compromises the Caretaker's self-esteem, distorts their thinking processes, and locks them into a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer pattern with the Borderline or Narcissist. The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows Caretaker's how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier, more productive, and positive lifestyle--with or without the Borderline/Narcissistic partner or family member. It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the Borderline or Narcissist and how to take new, more effective actions to focus on personal wants, needs, and life goals while allowing the Borderline or Narcissist to take care of themselves. It presents a realistic, yet compassionate, attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships, and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their Caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions.


Author Notes

Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, specializing in work with clients who are in relationship to someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, and she facilitates groups on Caretaker recovery. She has previously been an Adjunct Faculty member at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento.


Reviews 1

Library Journal Review

While the title of this book may confuse some, its contents demonstrate a solid understanding of dysfunctional relationships between borderline (BP) or narcissistic (NP) patients and their loved ones. Psychotherapist Fjelstad uses the word "caretaker" to identify partners and family members who enable typical BP/NP behavior at the expense of achieving their own goals and preserving their own sanity. The author begins with an excess of questions to assist caretakers in identifying destructive behaviors. As the text progresses, the writing becomes more fluid and accessible. Fjelstad outlines the pros and cons of staying with vs. leaving a BP/NP partner, and suggests therapy and self-coaching strategies to help caretakers regain confidence. The book includes case studies, though they focus on the negative and make little mention of the addictive, intoxicating lure of these relationships. Compatible with Paul Mason's Stop Walking on Eggshells, (2010) as an introduction to coping with BP/NP individuals. VERDICT Despite the cryptic title and occasionally awkward writing, Fjelstad delivers a thorough self-help guide for caretakers of BP/NP patients. Recommended for psychology collections.-Chrissy Spallone, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting Lib. (c) Copyright 2013. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.


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