Sloppy Sarah: a foreword / by Chelsea Handler -- Where do I start? -- How many Polacks does it take to ruin a marriage? -- Volun-tears -- Hymen go seek -- Friends without benefits -- Alcohol is for closures -- Cabo wobble -- Trundle beds and masturbators -- Hell cat -- The list -- Bikini rock bottom -- Really bad hair day -- Liar, liar pants on fire -- Dirty thirty -- The customer is never right -- Move it or lose it -- Alone time -- Closing argument.