Introduction: liberals and the woman who hates them -- Abortion: abort liberals, not children -- Airport security: make imams take buses -- Ask Ann: free advice worth every penny -- Blacks: the only thing standing between the democrat party and oblivion -- George W. Bush: the guy I'd most like to have a non-alcoholic beer with -- Christians: must reproduce more -- Bill Clinton: he left a mark on history that may never come out -- Hillary Clinton: the smartest woman in the world! -- Colleges: the English translation of "madrasa" -- Communism: a new fragrance by Hillary Clinton -- Crime and punishment: preferably a two-step process -- Democrat ideas (see also: Marx, Lenin) -- Democrats' virtues: points of light in a sea of darkness -- Elections: it only encourages them -- Environmentalism: Adolf Hilter was the first environmentalist -- Evolution, alchemy, and other "settled" scientific theories -- Gays: no gay left behind! -- Girls: chicks hate it when you call them "girls" -- Guantanamo: room service, I'd like seventy-two virgins, please -- Guns: the constitutional right you can carry in your purse -- Hollywood: they ought to be committed--oops, they already are! -- Immigration: this is ours, that is yours . . . say, do you do windows? -- Iraq: a new reality show -- Teddy Kennedy: apparently fat, drunk, and stupid is a way to go through life -- John Kerry: "Who among us does not love Nascar?" -- The language police: can't we have more real police? -- Liberals in alphabetical order, or "why I sometimes waver on abortion" -- Liberal "argument" -- "Liberal patriotism" and other oxymorons -- Liberal religion: American idolatry -- Liberal tactics -- Liberalism and other psychological disorders -- Mccarthyism -- Me! -- The military--their pet peeve: keeping George Clooney safe -- Morals: get Chuck Schumer over here, I don't want to have to explain this twice! -- Muslims: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a moderate Muslim walk into a bar -- The New York Times: don't look now, but the old gray lady is on a respirator -- Old media: imagine an open sewer with coupons, want ads, and your horoscope -- Republicans: aren't they magnificent? -- Scandals: there's a new museum dedicated to them in Little Rock, Arkansas -- Sex: "virile pacifist" is an oxymoron -- Supreme Court: I haven't been officially approached as yet, but thanks for asking -- Taxes: how about amnesty for "the wealthy"? -- The war on terrorism: peacenik pacifists to the rescue! -- Acknowledgments.