Cover image for Let me go
Let me go
Schneider, Helga, 1937-
Personal Author:
Uniform Title:
Lasciami andare, madre. English
Publication Information:
New York : Walker & Co., [2004]

Physical Description:
166 pages; 20 cm
Program Information:
Accelerated Reader AR UG 5.6 6.0 79570.
Format :


Call Number
Material Type
Home Location
Item Holds
D805.G3 S382613 2004 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area
D805.G3 S382613 2004 Adult Non-Fiction Open Shelf

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The extraordinary memoir, praised across Europe, of a daughter's final encounter with her mother, a former SS guard at Auschwitz.

In 1941, in Berlin, Helga Schneider's mother abandoned her, her younger brother, and her father. Thirty years later-- when she saw her mother again for the first time-- Schneider discovered the shocking reason: Her mother had joined the Nazi SS and had become a guard in concentration camps, including Auschwitz-Birkenau and Ravensbr#65533;ck, where she was in charge of a "correction" unit and responsible for untold acts of torture.

Nearly three more decades would pass before their second and final reunion, an emotional encounter at a Vienna nursing home, where her mother, then eighty-seven and unrepentant about her past, was ailing. Let Me Go is an extraordinary account of that meeting. Their conversation-- which Schneider recounts in spellbinding detail-- triggers childhood memories, and she weaves these into her account, powerfully evoking the misery of Nazi and postwar Berlin. Yet it is her internal struggle-- a daughter's sense of obligation colliding with the inescapable horror of what her mother has done-- that will stay with readers long after the book has ended.

Author Notes

Helga Schneider was born in 1937 in Steinberg, now in Poland, and spent her childhood in Berlin. When her mother left the family, she was brought up first by her stepmother and then in a boarding school. She has lived as a freelance writer for many years in Bologna, Italy.

Reviews 4

Booklist Review

This heartrending memoir chronicles the uneasy reunion between a daughter and the mother who left her husband and young children to join the infamous Nazi Secret Service in World War II. Abandoned by her mother at age four, Helga Schneider learned the terrible truth decades later; her mother was\b a member of the SS and served as a\b guard at both Ravensbruck and Auschwitz-Birkenau. Compelled to unearth her family skeletons to understand her own identity, Schneider arranges\b to visit her befuddled elderly mother in a Viennese nursing home before total senility sets in. Fraught with intense emotion, this reunion between two tormented souls is recalled with painful honesty by a grown daughter horrified by the unthinkable choices made by her own mother. Determined to plumb the depths of her mother's unrepentant intolerance, bigotry, and negligence, a legitimately angry and confused Schneider harangues and tricks the often confused but at times wily old woman into revealing the dark secrets of her past.\b Disgusted by her mother's revelations yet compelled to learn everything, she interweaves her mother's confessions with her own childhood.\b Schneider packs a tremendous emotional punch into this brief but tremendously cathartic memoir. --Margaret Flanagan Copyright 2004 Booklist

Publisher's Weekly Review

Schneider, who was born in Poland in 1937 and grew up in Berlin, shares the last encounter with her mother in Austria, after decades of separation, as readers become privy to her complex autobiography. In 1941, when Schneider was four, her mother abandoned her, her brother and her father to join the SS army in various concentration camps, including Auschwitz, and visited the family only once after leaving. Thirty years later, working as a writer in Italy, Schneider learns of the old woman's quickly deteriorating health and decides albeit hesitantly to pay her a visit. Schneider attempts to reconcile her ambivalent emotions toward a mother who unfalteringly announces, "Well, my daughter, like it or not, I have never regretted being a member of the Waffen SS, is that clear?" Schneider's first-person narration fluidly alternates between her inner thoughts and the conversation she has with her mother, and she's open about her overwhelming desire to come to terms with the convoluted circumstances of her youth. Schneider's voice is honest, and it's easy to understand the rapidly changing emotions that flow throughout: her panic attacks prior to the re-encounter, her desire to both forgive and physically harm her mother, her simple need to understand the truth. In the end, it's unclear whether the visit concretized Schneider's feelings toward her mother. She understands this situation doesn't have any one correct emotion and demonstrates this with explicit details of the conversation and what she felt at the time. The simple certainty of Schneider's pain, strength and intricate emotions resounds well after this story ends. (May) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

Library Journal Review

In an emotional memoir, a daughter reunites with her mother, a former SS guard at Auschwitz. Read by two-time Audie Award winner Barbara Rosenblat. Ann Kim (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

School Library Journal Review

Adult/High School-When Schneider was four, her mother abandoned her children for a career in the SS. In the ensuing 57 years, Schneider saw her only once. Prompted by a letter from her mother's friend and emboldened by the presence of a cousin, she went again to visit the woman in a senior citizen's home in Vienna in 1998. In this searing memoir, she describes the visit and her struggles with a kind of instinctive mother-love, her feelings of abandonment, and a distaste at the thought of any connection to this morally repugnant person. Interspersed with the narrative of the visit are quotations from official records, Schneider's own recollections of a childhood in wartime Berlin, and scraps of horrific detail she remembers having heard about the experiences of concentration camp inmates such as those her mother guarded. "It was my job to assist the doctors," her mother says. Readers cannot help but be fascinated as well as horrified by this woman's unrepentance and the impenetrable shield she has built around her emotions. "I was only obeying orders." "I believed in Germany's mission." But when visiting hours are over, she cannot allow the daughter she abandoned to leave, grabbing her around the neck and kissing her wildly. This is a book for readers with some previous knowledge of the Holocaust, presenting a very different point of view. It is an excellent choice for discussion of the complex situations of people dealing with horrific events in their country's or their family's history whether they were peripherally involved, or not at all. A compelling and unforgettable story.-Kathleen Isaacs, Edmund Burke School, Washington, DC (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.



Vienna, Tuesday, October 6, 1998, in my hotel I'm seeing you again after twenty-seven years, Mother, and wondering whether in all that time you have understood how much damage you did to your children. I didn't sleep a wink last night. It's almost daylight now; I've opened the shutters. A smoky veil of light is brightening above the roofs of Vienna. I'm going to see you again today, Mother, but what will I feel? What can a daughter feel for a mother who refused to be a mother so that she could join Heinrich Himmler's evil organization? Respect? Only for your age-nothing else. And apart from that? It would be hard to say that I don't feel anything. You're my mother, after all. But I can't say it will be love. I can't love you, Mother. I'm in a state of agitation, and in spite of myself I'm thinking about our last meeting, in 1971, when I saw you again for the first time in thirty years, and I shudder to remember my dismay upon discovering that you had been a member of the SS. And you hadn't even shown any remorse. You were still perfectly content with your past, about what you had been, about that efficient factory of horrors where you had been a model worker. It's seven o'clock, a pale sky; it's going to rain. And I'm going to see you today, Mother, for the second time since you abandoned me, fifty-seven years ago: a lifetime. I become aware of a sense of bitter excitement, of impatience. Because in spite of everything, you're still my mother. What will we say to each other? What will you say to me? Will I find in you any trace of regret for what we've never had? Will you have that motherly caress for me, the one I've spent more than half a century waiting for? Or will you torment me once more with your indifference? In 1971 I was living in Italy and had a little son, Renzo; I felt an uncontrollable need to track you down. I found you. I hurried to Vienna with my son to hug you again. But you treated that grandson of yours, that boy who looked at you with such keen curiosity, with frosty detachment, denying him the right to a grandmother, just as you had denied my right, in the end, to have a mother. Because you didn't want to be a mother. Ever since we were born, you always entrusted me and my brother, Peter, to other people. And yet in the Third Reich, motherhood was obsessively praised, particularly by the Propaganda Minister Josef Goebbels. Even Heinrich Himmler, the Reichsführer of the SS-your boss-maintained that there was one principle that his members must unfailingly obey: honesty, loyalty, and fidelity toward people with the same blood as yourself. Did your children not share your blood? No, you didn't want to be a mother; you preferred power. Faced with a group of Jewish prisoners you felt omnipotent. A guard in charge of famished, exhausted, and desperate Jews, heads shaved, eyes vacant-what a despicable kind of power! I stare at Vienna's inhospitable sky and find myself being filled with an impulse to rebel: I regret replying so diligently to the call of a stranger; I should have ignored it, I tell myself; I should have let things drift along as they have for the last thirty years. I was too hasty in deciding to leave. The letter had arrived one day in late August, and for some strange reason it had filled me with apprehension even before I opened it. What on Earth could be inside that disgusting pink envelope? I wasn't expecting any post from Vienna. I had left the city in 1963, and from then on I had lost all contact with my old friends. The writer of the letter was a woman called Gisela Freihorst, who said she had been a dear friend of my mother. That was how I learned that my mother was still alive. Yes, she was still alive, but she had recently been transferred to a Seniorenheim, an old people's nursing home. Her condition was deteriorating: She would leave her house and get lost; she would forget to turn off the water or, even worse, the gas and risk blowing up the entire building. All in all, she had become a danger to herself and to other people. At first she had been looked after by her local mental health service: She had to attend the day hospital for the elderly three times a week, and the rest of the time she was visited by various kinds of social workers. She always sent them away with a flea in their ear: Clearly the years had done nothing to sweeten her character, which had always been suspicious, confrontational, and rebellious. But in the end the decision had been made to remove her from her apartment, to put her in an environment where she could be monitored day and night. "Your mother is approaching the age of ninety," the letter concluded, "and she could pass away from one day to the next. Why not consider the possibility of meeting her one last time? After all, she is still your mother." Those words, at once direct and bureaucratic, disturbed me profoundly. After my bruising encounter with my mother in 1971, I had buried her memory in a dark recess of my mind. For many years I was convinced that my virtual burial of her had somehow become real. I imagined my mother interred in one of those haunting cemeteries in Vienna, the city where both she and my father were born. That same Vienna where I had lived as a girl, at school, lonely and resentful; the city that I had admired but never loved. Vienna with its ancient imperial pride: rigorous, polite, green, clean, frosty Vienna. That Vienna which even today, from a distance of twenty-seven years, I still observe with a kind of suspicious fascination. And I had been fooling myself all along. That letter in its disgusting pink envelope dragged me out of my cozy conviction that my mother was dead and that I would never again have to confront torments and pain on her account. It is twenty past seven, and it's starting to drizzle. The gloomy sky is aggravating my unease. I'm becoming more and more convinced that I should have ignored the letter. I would have been unsettled for several days, and then I would gradually have buried it along with all the rest, slipping once more toward some semblance of tranquillity. And yet I didn't. I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the news, by Frau Freihorst's sad words. Or perhaps it was just my own curiosity: What would my mother look like today? Or was it rather a small and foolish hope that was awakening in me? Perhaps she would have changed; perhaps her great age would have softened her heart; perhaps she would even be capable of some kind of maternal gesture. Curiosity, hope, and a kind of dark attraction. I had succumbed, and as though afraid of changing my mind, I had immediately informed Frau Freihorst of my impending arrival. My heart is pounding. What am I going to say to you? And if, as happened in 1971, you want to talk only about yourself and your past-so gratifying to make yourself heard after the collapse of Nazism, as though you had been simply erased? Will you try, as you did then, to praise your former comrades, some of whom, you told me, were "irreproachable family men"? I remember you mentioned the name of Rudolf Hoess. You bragged about having known him well and also of having known and socialized with his wife and their five children. You said that Hoess was the best commandant in Auschwitz and that you were very sorry when he was transferred. You could no longer visit Frau Hoess in her charming little house in the SS estate beyond the electrified perimeter fence-the same one that so many prisoners tried to hurl themselves against, hoping for a quick and liberating death. You could no longer recover your strength in the Hoess family's idyllic little house; you couldn't shake off the exhaustion which, from time to time, prostrated even such a robust guard as yourself. I have subsequently had the opportunity to read the memoirs that Hoess wrote in the months leading up to his trial and execution; and I found myself thinking once more, with a mixture of dismay and disbelief, about the grandiloquence of your account of things. But perhaps you've changed now. Perhaps we'll finally be able to talk like a mother and a daughter who haven't seen each other for twenty-seven years-who have not spoken to each other for a lifetime. From a sworn affidavit by Rudolf Hoess, member of the SS and Auschwitz camp commandant from May 1, 1940, until December 1, 1943, who was tried and sentenced to death by a Polish court: The mass executions using gas began in the summer of 1941 and lasted until autumn 1944. I personally oversaw the executions in Auschwitz until December 1, 1943 ... The "final solution" of the Jewish question meant the extermination of all the Jews in Europe. In 1942 I received the order to make the executions in Auschwitz more efficient. At the time there were already three other extermination camps in occupied Poland: Belzec, Treblinka, and Wolzec. Those camps were under the command of the Security Police and the SD, the Reich's security and espionage service. I traveled to Treblinka to inspect their method of extermination. The commandant of the Lager told me that over the course of six months he had liquidated 80,000 people, most of them Jews from the Warsaw ghetto. He employed carbon monoxide, but in my opinion the method was not very efficient. So when I established the extermination process in Auschwitz, I used Zyklon B, a crystallized Prussic acid which was thrown into the gas chambers through small openings. Death took between 3 and 15 minutes. When the cries of the people could no longer be heard, we knew that they were all dead. Another improvement over Treblinka was the construction of gas chambers which could accommodate up to 2,000 people, while the ten gas chambers in Treblinka had a total capacity of only 200. The method of selection of the victims was this: in Auschwitz two doctors were entrusted with the task of examining the new prisoners, who arrived at frequent intervals. The prisoners each had to pass in front of one of the doctors, who indicated his decision by nodding his head. Those who were fit for work were sent to the camp, and the rest were immediately dispatched to the extermination building. Young children were, without exception, exterminated as unfit for work. One final improvement on Treblinka was the following: while the victims of Treblinka almost always knew that they were going to be exterminated, in Auschwitz we sought to deceive them by making them think they were going to be disinfected for lice. In many cases, of course, they guessed our true intentions, and consequently we had to suppress a number of revolts. Mothers would often attempt to hide their little children under their clothes, but they were easily found, and sent immediately to the gas chambers. We should really have carried out the extermination in great secrecy, but the foul and nauseating stench from the ceaseless cremation of the bodies permeated the whole area, so the people who lived in the surrounding villages became aware that a process of extermination was under way in Auschwitz. It's an unbearable thought, those little children being separated from their mothers to be sent on their own to the gas chambers. An unbearable thought: that my own mother was involved in all that. Sluggish and desolate rain; the tarmac on the road in front of the hotel flickers uncertainly in the light from the streetlamp, which is still lit. Gradually I start to become aware that I am extremely tired, but my mind is wide awake, with disturbing thoughts running through it. I could do with a coffee, a good strong Italian-style coffee. The prospect of seeing you again opens up a great gulf in the pit of my stomach. Twenty-seven years have passed since we last met. Will there be anything to salvage? Surely there's something we can do-even if it's only to try to understand, to forgive, to attempt to forge an appallingly belated relationship between mother and daughter, however flimsy it might be. "Hold your hands open," you said. I'll never forget that. You had pulled me by one arm, as though to tell me a secret, into the bedroom of the little apartment in the suburb of Mariahilf; and you had opened a little box: It's a standard gesture, one that usually heralds a present of some kind. "Hold your hands open." And then you filled them with rings, bracelets, cuff links, pendants, brooches, a watch, and a handful of necklaces, large and small. For a moment I looked uncomprehendingly at all that gold. Then I understood, and it was as though my hands were on fire. I pulled my palms apart, and the jewelry clattered onto the floor. You stared at me, puzzled. "I wanted to give you a present," you said finally, with frank ferocity. "They might come in useful on a rainy day; you can never tell where life will take you." "I don't want them," I replied. Then you started to gather them all up, one by one, sadly and fastidiously. When you delicately picked up a little chain, my heart plummeted. It was one of those chains that you give to little girls on their fourth or fifth birthdays, a slight little thing but precious nonetheless. At that moment, with icy clarity, an image superimposed itself over the sight of you picking up all your gold: the image of you driving the little girl who had owned the necklace into the gas chamber. And in that moment everything was decided. I was sure of one thing: I didn't want this mother. The mother who had never gone in search of me, and who was now ignoring my son, sitting alone in the living room with a coloring book. I still remember your vexed disappointment: How could I, your daughter, refuse a gift like that? But really, did you think you could compensate me for your long absence with a handful of gold? "Are you really sure you don't want it?" You tried one last time. Such obtuse, exasperating insistence! "No," I said again. I didn't even try to explain why. There would have been no point. I'm ready. Eva, my cousin, is waiting for me down in the lobby. She's come specially from Germany to be with me today. I'm suddenly tempted to cancel my visit. But it wouldn't be fair to try to make her an accomplice of such an act of childish cowardice. She has a sweet nature, but she's extremely predictable in her actions. Eva is the daughter of my father Stefan's sister; we met again a few years ago after a very long separation. Before we were reunited several years ago, I had not seen her since 1942 in Berlin, where her parents had a magnificent villa frequented by the crème de la crème of the capital. Excerpted from Let Me Go: My Mother and the Ss by Helga Schneider All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.