Cover image for You don't really know me : why mothers & daughters fight and how both can win
You don't really know me : why mothers & daughters fight and how both can win
Apter, T. E.
Personal Author:
First edition.
Publication Information:
New York : W. W. Norton, [2004]

Physical Description:
viii, 280 pages ; 22 cm
The mother/daughter plot -- "You're not listening!" : the battle for recognition -- "Let me live my own life!" : why teenage girls are insulted by parental concern -- "She can pick an argument out of thin air!" : what lies behind teenage irritability -- Power struggle : the choreography of status -- Learning to fight : friendship and conflict -- Portraits of mother/daughter meltdown -- My mother, my father : two different relationships -- "I'm too fat!" : the ambiguity of physical growth -- "I know that already!" : sex talk -- "So that's how you feel!" : how conflict can lead to closeness -- The life-long dialogue.
Format :


Call Number
Material Type
Home Location
Item Holds
HQ755.85 .A67 2004 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area

On Order



Mothers and teenage daughters argue more than any other child-parent pair - on average every two-and-a-half days. These quarrels, Terri Apter shows, are attempts to negotiate changes in a relationship that is valued by both mothers and daughters.

Author Notes

Terri Apter is a social psychologist and researcher at Cambridge University in England.

Reviews 2

Publisher's Weekly Review

Apter, a psychologist and professor at the University of Cambridge, believes the often turbulent relationship between mothers and their teen daughters is not inevitable and can be improved. Drawing upon numerous interviews with adolescent girls and their mothers, Apter concludes that younger girls often try to emulate their mothers while older ones want to distance themselves from their mothers and not be "like them." Yet, the author stresses, ongoing interaction between mother and daughter is key. The challenge for moms is to avoid the endless cycle of arguments and frustrating conversations and try to be seen by their daughters as more responsive. Apter offers a number of strategies to address common adolescent issues, such as complaints of a lack of freedom, concerns over physical appearance and irritability. Her advice is sound, if not revolutionary: mothers should make an effort to listen to their daughters without passing judgment, either verbally or with physical expressions; and they shouldn't shout or argue but instead wait for their daughters to calm down before having a conversation. Real-life conversations run alongside Apter's commentary, which should help readers identify with many of the situations. This is a solid addition to the teen parenting genre, although the book's heavy reliance on narrative prose, and not bulleted points, will target readers with more time on their hands. Agent, Meg Ruley. (Apr.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved

Library Journal Review

"Nothing shakes a woman's confidence in her mothering skills as does the onset ofher daughter's adolescence," says social psychologist Apter in her introduction to this study. Why do mothers and daughters argue? What is usually at the core? Can the battling ever really stop? The author unswervingly answers such questions, drawing on 20 years of research. Two tips: follow the changes in your daughter's needs and responses, and don't judge. While there are many such studies on the market, this one rises above the crop, owing to Apter's thoughtfulness and her firsthand experience as a mother. (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.