Cover image for Why can't you read my mind? : overcoming the 9 toxic thought patterns that get in the way of a loving relationship
Why can't you read my mind? : overcoming the 9 toxic thought patterns that get in the way of a loving relationship
Bernstein, Jeffrey, 1961-
Personal Author:
Publication Information:
New York : Marlowe ; [Berkeley, Calif.] : Distributed by Publishers Group West, [2004]

Physical Description:
210 pages : illustrations ; 21 cm
General Note:
Includes index.
Added Author:
Format :


Call Number
Material Type
Home Location
Item Holds
HQ734 .B614 2004 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area

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Most people think that poor communication is the reason why so many relationships end, but it's actually the way we learn to think about our partners and our problems that kills trust, erodes intimacy, and cripples communication. In Why Can't You Read My Mind?, psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein reveals-for the first time-the nine toxic thought patterns at work in virtually every relationship, and shows couples how these distorted, negative, exaggerated thoughts can poison their love and end their union. With warmth and wisdom, Bernstein offers a simple yet powerful approach for breaking the toxic thinking cycle and helps readers establish new and more positive thinking habits for solving their problems and dealing with the stresses of everyday life. Packed with practical advice and valuable insights, Why Can't You Read My Mind? makes it possible for couples to remain in or return to loving relationships permanently, and points the way toward finding a truer kind of love with one another for the first time. Perfect for couples wanting to maintain their loving relationship as well as for those working to restore their love, this book provides the missing link, enabling couples to beat the relationship odds and sustain a long-term relationship.

Author Notes

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist specializing in couples and family therapy
Susan Magee is an award-winning writer of fiction and nonfiction and coauthor of several books

Reviews 2

Publisher's Weekly Review

Bernstein, a psychologist specializing in couples and family therapy, and Magee (The Power of Positive Confrontation) offer partners a way to renew the spark in their relationships in this succinct self-help guide. They claim that one of the most significant steps is to focus on yourself rather than your partner by ridding yourself of toxic thoughts, "negative thoughts that have lost their basis in reality and have gotten out of control." Examining nine toxic thought patterns (such as jumping to conclusions, labeling one another and playing the "blame game"), the authors provide well-researched explanations, relevant examples and practical alternatives to transform negative thoughts and behaviors into positive and constructive ones. (Dec.) Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information.

Library Journal Review

People have misunderstood one another since the beginning of time-and, if the self-help genre is any indication, they continue to do so. Hogan, a well-traveled motivational speaker and expert on body language, and hypnotherapist Stubbs document common communication barriers (e.g., poor listening skills and being critical) and techniques to overcome them (e.g., distract the criticizer). Though initially a bit technical, the book smoothes out, presenting lucid examples to show readers that they should change themselves instead of trying to change others. The authors refer to research but fail to include their sources. Still, this effective and lively beginners' approach will find an appreciative readership. Large libraries can safely use this to supplement Kate M. Wachs's Relationships for Dummies; smaller libraries will do fine with either. Bernstein, a Philadelphia-based psychologist, describes "toxic" thought patterns that can damage even the healthiest relationships (readers will be reminded of those found in Clinton McLemore's Toxic Relationships and How To Change Them). He presents the MAP plan-Mindfulness, Alternatives, Practice-as the antidote to tendencies like labeling and blaming; he also offers techniques and activities for increasing intimacy, like making little things count. To boot, Bernstein clearly and conversationally discusses relationships in general, making good use of explanatory material and examples. While our partners really can't read our minds, this book does offer hope-and, refreshingly, it throws in the occasional alternative lifestyle couple. Like John Gottman's popular The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Willard F. Harley Jr.'s His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive, this is appropriate for most public libraries. (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Whatever Happened to Happily Ever After?p. 1
1. A Happier Relationship Is All in Your Headp. 9
2. Toxic Thoughts: The Silent Relationship Killerp. 25
3. The Nine Toxic Thought Patterns That Ruin Relationshipsp. 36
4. Your MAP Back to Lovep. 53
5. The Better Alternative to Toxic Thinkingp. 69
6. Practice Makes Not Perfect, but Much Betterp. 93
7. Purging Emotional Ghosts: An Advanced Lesson in Beating Toxic Thoughtsp. 111
8. The Nontoxic Glue That Holds Your Relationship Togetherp. 127
9. The Eight Rules for Fighting Fairlyp. 148
10. Eleven Ways to Stay Back in Lovep. 171
11. At Last, Real Romance!p. 185
Conclusionp. 203
Acknowledgmentsp. 205
Indexp. 207