Take two -- My bear -- Lecture to one suffering yet another identity crisis -- On aristocracy -- What bothers me -- Advice to those about to acquire a Rembrandt -- Tyranny for beginners -- Don't take your soul to New England -- Stopping by words on a snowy evening -- On your conduct at the dinner party -- My stump speech -- On class distinctions -- Shorter than Bacon's -- A song for Jessica -- New Year's at Luchow's -- Yo, weatherman -- The men's room wall: a fantasy -- Beautiful houses -- Lines written nowhere near Tintern Abbey -- Twenty things one would like to see in movies -- Odes for a rainy afternoon -- The albatross that brought everyone good luck -- Bring a wildebeest home to mother -- Jaws's side of things -- Dogstoevsky -- Love song -- Go where you are loved -- Essays, I too dislike them -- If in my sleep -- Instructions to the housekeeper -- "Neglect" -- With narcissus in the aquarium -- Kilroy was here -- The puppet theater of your irrational fears -- Teach the free man how to praise -- The day I turned into the Westin -- Cliff's other notes -- Environmentalists -- Hearing test -- Everywhere a hit person -- Lessons for grades 1 to 6 -- If you had given it a moment's thought -- The bathroom for you -- 13 ways of looking at a blackboard -- Something's wrong -- Shorter than Bacon's (more) -- The giant rat of Sumatra -- In the madhouse in Beirut -- Should your name appear -- Things I can take, things I can't -- Relax -- Cliff's other notes (more) -- The inventor of time -- Explanation to an unprincipled employer -- Signs of accomplishment as depicted in the rear window of a Volvo -- A valediction for all occasions -- A brief history of idiocy -- The intervention of facts -- You think I'm kidding -- Ashley Montana goes ashore in the Caicos -- How to live in the world -- Aubade -- Instructions to the pallbearers -- On the other hand -- The grateful living.