Cover image for The Friar's Club bible of jokes, pokes, roasts, and toasts
The Friar's Club bible of jokes, pokes, roasts, and toasts
Colman, Nina.
Publication Information:
New York : Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers : Distributed by Workman Pub. Co., [2001]

Physical Description:
471 pages : illustrations ; 24 cm
General Note:
Includes index
Format :


Call Number
Material Type
Home Location
Item Holds
PN6162 .F74 2001 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area

On Order



From the acknowledged "roastmasters" of all time comes the quintessential handbook for public speakers at any occasion, featuring the best one-liners, put-downs, anecdotes and jokes on every conceivable subject.

This giant compendium is organized both by occasion (Bar Mitzvah, 40th Birthday, Sales Presentation) and by subject, everything from Aging to Technology. Featuring words from an array of smart-mouthed celebrities including Dean Martin, Jerry Seinfeld, Don Rickles, George Burns, Ellen DeGeneres and Walter Matthau, it includes tips and tried-and-true techniques for writing and delivering smart, funny, moving and motivational toasts, roasts and speeches. It's the perfect inspiration for wedding toasts, office parties, corporate speeches--or even just spicing up cocktail party small talk. The jokes alone make it a must-have; the advice makes it the public speaker's bible.

Table of Contents

A Message from Friars Club Proctor Buddy Hackettp. 15
A Few Opinions from Friar Jeffrey Rossp. 17
Introduction: Barry Dougherty Explains "Who the Hell Are the Friars?"p. 19
A Brief History of Toastsp. 22
Why You Need This Book (Besides the fact that you don't want to make a fool of yourself)p. 22
Why We Toast, Joke, and Occasionally Roastp. 24
How to Speak in Public and Not Make a Fool of Yourself (Toasting, joking, and roasting attire included)p. 24
The Art of Joke-Telling, or How to Be a Good Toastmasterp. 25
Toasting Etiquette (Why stupid or politically incorrect jokes can work)p. 27
To Toast or to Joke?p. 27
Chapter 1 Life and Those Not-So-Little Momentsp. 31
Being Single (This is living?!)p. 32
Dating (It's hunting time)p. 35
Engagement (Is this the one?)p. 45
Marriage (The long haul)p. 46
In-laws (Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride)p. 77
We're Pregnant (Now you've done it!)p. 78
Childbirth (Is there pain involved?)p. 86
Children (You better believe it!)p. 87
Family (But wait, there's more!)p. 95
Parents (A lifetime commitment)p. 98
Grandparents (Yes, your parents had parents)p. 105
Milton Berle: "The Biggest Friar of Them All"p. 96
Chapter 2 It's Party Timep. 107
It's Your Birthday (...and you can cry if you want to)p. 108
Sweet Sixteen (...and never been...)p. 114
21 (A lucky number?)p. 115
30 (...something)p. 116
Fat and Forty (Lordy, Lordy)p. 117
When I'm 64p. 122
So What, You're 80p. 125
Anniversary (You've been together how long?!)p. 133
First Anniversary (Gotta start somewhere)p. 137
Silver Anniversary (When a platter won't do)p. 137
Nozze D'Oro (Golden Night)p. 139
Party Till the Cows Come Home (When should you wear a lampshade?)p. 140
Confirmation (Are you sure?)p. 142
Bar/Bat Mitzvah (Now you are a fountain pen)p. 143
Bris (Watch the guy with the knife)p. 147
Henny Youngman: King of the One-linersp. 130
Chapter 3 You're Growing Upp. 149
School Days (Or daze...)p. 150
Grade School (Prison life begins)p. 150
High School (No, you can't have the keys)p. 155
College (Let the games begin)p. 158
Who Is Steven Wright?p. 178
Chapter 4 Rough Timesp. 187
Get Well Soon (Pass the chicken soup)p. 188
Death (No more soup for you)p. 192
Funeral (If you have nothing nice to say...)p. 197
Memorial Service (...don't say these)p. 200
You're Caught (Get your hand out of the cookie jar)p. 200
Divorce (Free at last!)p. 202
Mae West: The Original "Scandalous Broad"p. 198
Chapter 5 Off to Workp. 205
The Dreaded Job Interviewp. 208
First Job (Who is this FICA, and why does he get more money than me?)p. 209
The Work (Hi-ho, hi-ho ... oh, forget it)p. 212
Accountants (Count those beans)p. 222
Actors (Is this any way for a grown person to make a living?)p. 223
Advertising (New and improved)p. 224
Agents (Fifteen percent of your ass is mine)p. 224
Construction (If you build it...)p. 225
Dentists (Open wide...your wallet, that is)p. 226
Doctors (This won't hurt a bit...except your wallet, that is)p. 228
Lawyers (Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe)p. 240
Models (Can you spell gorgeous? I guess not. So what.)p. 245
Nurses (Hey, that thing is cold!)p. 251
Salesperson (Come out, come out, wherever you are)p. 252
Productivity (More work for me)p. 253
Announcing Great Results (Like I care)p. 258
Motivational Speech (Did you say something?)p. 258
Getting a Promotion (That brown-nosing paid off)p. 262
Getting Fried (Not enough brown-nosing)p. 263
Retirement/Going Away Party (I gave you my life, and all I got was this watch)p. 264
Rodney Dangerfield: Lovable Loserp. 260
Chapter 6 Happy Holidaysp. 267
New Year's (A license to kiss)p. 268
Valentine's Day (Blissfully happy, or lonely loser?)p. 271
St. Patrick's Day (Start drinking at 9:00 A.M...)p. 275
Fourth of July (I saw fireworks)p. 276
Halloween (Yes, you can wear ladies' clothes)p. 277
Thanksgiving (Start by being grateful for St. Patrick's Day)p. 280
Christmas (Deck those halls)p. 282
Phyllis Diller: What a Facep. 272
Chapter 7 The Media Circusp. 285
Books (Like movies, but you have to work)p. 288
The Book Signing (I didn't know you could read one, let alone write one)p. 294
Movies (Like TV shows, but you have to pay)p. 294
The Big Premiere (I want to thank all the little people...)p. 299
Television (A thousand channels and nothing to watch)p. 300
Groucho Marx: "You Bet Your Life"p. 290
Chapter 8 Battle of the Sexesp. 303
Men (Lord of the remote control)p. 305
High Holy Days (Poker night, Super Bowl Sunday, and The Final Four)p. 313
Bachelor Party (Does anyone have change for a $20?)p. 322
The Confirmed Bachelor (Just say it...he's gay)p. 325
Women (Forget the "B" word, and don't even think about the "C" word)p. 326
Blondes (How many does it take...?)p. 335
Baby Showers (Better you than me)p. 343
Bridal Showers (Better me than you)p. 343
Bachelorette Party (What are we supposed to do at these things again?)p. 344
The Confirmed Bachelorette (You can tell by the shoes)p. 346
Billy Crystal: "Face"p. 310
Chapter 9 Politics--How to Be the Life of the Partyp. 349
Meet the Pundits (The lunatics have taken over the asylum)p. 352
Working for the People (Elevating lying to a fine art)p. 361
Rita Rudner: High Anxietyp. 362
Chapter 10 It's Just a Game--Isn't It?p. 375
Baseball (A stick and a couple of balls)p. 376
Basketball (More ball jokes)p. 378
Bowling (Please, no more ball jokes)p. 379
Boxing (This is a sport?)p. 380
Fishing (THIS is a sport?)p. 381
Football (What fun, I can't feel my toes...)p. 383
Golf (Who came up with the outfits?)p. 385
Skiing (I'm in complete controllllllllllllllll)p. 395
Skydiving (When "oops" matters)p. 396
Tennis (More balls)p. 397
Gambling (Don't bet the ranch)p. 398
Drew Carey: "Regular Guy"p. 390
Chapter 11 All the World Is a Jokep. 401
Ethnic/Regional (No, nothing is sacred)p. 402
Texans (Guns, oil, and a pick-up)p. 408
Americans (You bet!)p. 411
New Yorkers (You talkin' to me?)p. 412
Canadian (Sorry, my mind wandered...)p. 413
Irish (Enough said)p. 415
Italian (Points for the food)p. 418
Polish (No points for the food)p. 419
Russians (...are coming)p. 419
WASPs (Cocktail time)p. 420
Religion (Hallelujah!)p. 421
Amish (Is nothing sacred?)p. 422
Catholics (Bless me, Father...)p. 423
Christians (Fire and brimstone)p. 432
Jews (See, also, the rest of this book)p. 435
Mormons (Take my wives...)p. 447
Miscellany (Wit, wisdom...whatever)p. 450
Jerry Seinfeld: "Did you ever notice...?"p. 448
Index of Contributorsp. 469
Acknowledgmentsp. 473