Cover image for Raising emotionally intelligent teenagers : parenting with love, laughter, and limits
Raising emotionally intelligent teenagers : parenting with love, laughter, and limits
Elias, Maurice J.
Personal Author:
First edition.
Publication Information:
New York : Harmony Books, [2000]

Physical Description:
xiv, 257 pages : 1 illustrations ; 25 cm
Format :


Call Number
Material Type
Home Location
Item Holds
HQ799.15 .E44 2000 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area
HQ799.15 .E44 2000 Adult Non-Fiction Parenting

On Order



The authors ofEmotionally Intelligent Parentingfocus their attention and expertise on the toughest parenting job of all: raising emotionally intelligent teenagers. Just when parents think they've successfully navigated the baffling challenges of raising young children, they're astonished to find those same kids have become teenagers -- an entirely new genus altogether!Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagersprovides specific strategies for applying the insights of Daniel Goleman's best-seller,Emotional Intelligence, to this most challenging stage in parenting. Not only do raging hormones make everything more intense for teenagers, but they have their own special issues concerning identity, self-confidence, peer pressure, and responsibility, including individuating from their parents. Drs. Elias, Tobias, and Friedlander, all respected experts in child behavior, have written a clear, informative book of sound advice to help parents  raise knowledgeable, responsible, nonviolent, and caring teenagers who will mature into well-adjusted young adults. Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagersis  packed with real-life scenarios, practical strategies, the answers to the questions parents ask most frequently, and even questionnaires and quizzes. All of this useful information is drawn from the authors' professional and personal experiences and is given with warmth and humor. There is a great chapter for parents and teens to read and laugh over together and one that addresses teens who are particularly tough to raise. The authors, professionals and parents who have seen it all, know how to help you and your teenagers communicate.

Author Notes

Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D., is professor of psychology at Rutgers University.

(Bowker Author Biography)

Reviews 1

Publisher's Weekly Review

Starting with the premise that "the only thing more difficult than being a parent is being a teenager," psychologists Elias, Tobias and Friedlander set out to guide families through the tempestuous adolescent years. To solve problems, they take a refreshing approach that relies on empathy, humor and education, and on "practical, parent-tested, emotionally intelligent" ways to help teenagers grow into strong adults. Central to their method is a "toolbox" of strategies for staying calm, tuning in to your teen's emotional "channels," being positive and setting reasonable limits. The authors provide parent and teen questionnaires, a chapter for families to read together and real-life scenarios dealing with everything from school stress and dating to Internet porn and substance abuse. Most of their advice is excellent, so one can overlook their sometimes labored humor (do we need to compose rap songs about doing dishes to get the kids' help at dinnertime?), their propensity for acronyms (can we remember to ESPÄevaluate, select and proceedÄin mid-argument?) and their constant plugs for their previous book (Emotionally Intelligent Parenting). Quibbles aside, the authors' collective enthusiasm for parenting is infectious, and their ideas seem reasonably easy for dedicated parents to put into practice. (Sept.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved



Is your life hectic? Did you plan for it to be this way? Did you sit down two years ago and say, Wow, my life is so relaxed, I have so much time that over the next two years, I want to greatly increase how many things my kids--and we--are doing? The hectic lives that most of us lead are not the result of careful planning. It just happened. With all this activity comes more and more stress, and less time with our kids. Think about it. Often, even when you are with your kids, there is a part of you that is still thinking about where you just left, and another part of you that is thinking about what you will be doing next. It's hard to be fully present for them. We have a lot on our minds, including planning how to get our kids to where they have to be next and how to get ourselves to where we have to be, and we rush around and worry about whether our arrangements will work out. Like it or not, our kids pick up on this. And often their reaction is to believe that they are not very high on their parents' list of priorities. This is a very demanding time during which to be a parent of a teenager. Maybe the only thing more difficult is to be a teenager! There are more influences than ever on them, and more sources of distraction. James Comer, M.D., a renowned educator and the author of Waiting for a Miracle: Schools Can't Solve Our Problems, but We Can , observes that never before in human history has there been so much information going directly to children unfiltered by adult caregivers. This is more important than it might seem at first--so read it again! It means that parents are now in serious competition for the attention of their children, and our attempts to influence them are constantly being diluted by numerous messages encouraging them to act and think differently from ways we would like them to. A parent's time is extremely precious and pressured. Our hectic lives create barriers to entering our teens' "other world"--even if they would let us in. As James Comer has alerted us, they are under the influence of their peers, the media, the Internet, and who knows what else. Though we don't have unlimited energy for parenting, it's something we have to deal with in an emotionally intelligent manner . . . and we can! On the Road to Adulthood To do so requires that we look carefully at the teenage years, especially at how they are today and how they will be in the foreseeable future. On the journey from childhood to adulthood, adolescence represents the bridge. How are our teenagers going to travel over that bridge? What roads will they take? Given all the demands on our time, what are the best ways to guide our teens in a positive direction? Adolescence is a process, not an end product or even a stop along the highway of life. Kids pass through it at high speed. Our job as parents is to make sure they get to the real goal of being an emotionally intelligent adult with as few accidents along the way as possible and to help them when they hit a pothole or two and have a problem. You are not trying to raise a Superteen, because a Superteen will not necessarily end up as an emotionally well-adjusted and successful adult. Adolescence is for learning how to become an adult, not for learning how to become a successful adolescent. Now, let's also be realistic. It is not easy to have an impact on your adolescents, especially if you don't already have a great relationship with them. We are strong believers in realistic simplification. What are the most important things that parents can do, consistently, that can make a very big difference in preparing adolescents for competence in adulthood? Many books give page after page of advice, on many different topics. These often sound terrific, especially to those who have the leisure time to read and think about them--such as people without kids in their homes! But in our professional experience, there is only so much that parents can do, are willing to do, and can keep track of. We want to make that minimum as strong and as impactful as possible. What Do We Want for Our Teenagers? There are certain directions toward which parents want teens to head. We want them to be knowledgeable, responsible, nonviolent, and caring . . . is there a parent who does not want this for his or her children? Not that we have met, but, after all, it takes just this combination of qualities for our children to be able to support us in our retirement years, of course! More important, it takes these same skills for our kids to grow up to be successful, productive citizens of their schools, families, workplaces, and communities. How do we help our teenagers reach these goals? It's a journey that parents and teens have been taking for years but now must take in a way that reflects our changing times. It's not another "new millennium" thing, but it is the result of forces that got rolling in the 1990s and are not about to stop. Love, Laughter, and Limits It requires, on our part, a balance of Love, Laughter, and Limits . . . and another L, which we will mention in a moment. Love, Laughter, and Limits provide a map for parenting our teenagers on a road that has many curves, lots of bumps, but also many miles of beautiful scenery. Love, Laughter, and Limits. Can parenting of teenagers be that simple? Well, our answer is both no and yes. We say no because we know how much is involved with parenting. We are parents, with children ranging in age from eight to twenty. We work with hundreds of families and dozens and dozens of schools. We see the difficulties and the frustrations, but we also see the joys and successes. Nothing about parenting is simple. But we also say yes because we know that parents today need to have a focus for how they raise their teenagers, and they need to do so with "emotional intelligence." Focus is necessary because most of us lead lives that are packed with activity. And this leads to our fourth L: Linkages. Teenagers need to grow up at least as ready for interdependence as for independence. They are going to find themselves working in teams and in groups. They are going to find that the consumer pressures in their lives will leave an emotional and perhaps a spiritual void. We, as parents, may find that we are not able to do as much for our teens as we might like, or they might need. Here is our quick summary of these four L's: love Caring relationships form the foundation of family life and cooperation. Without this, parents often have only economic and punitive leverage to use with their teens. And these are not ideal strategies. laughter Emotions affect how and what we do and are willing to do. Positive emotions are essential for healthy adolescent growth. Humor is not frivolous; it's the ultimate psychic vitamin. limits Limits are not about restriction as much as they are about focus and direction and setting boundaries. The skills parents and children possess in goal setting and problem solving help keep teens on course and turn good ideas into constructive actions. linkages Teenagers need to be contributors more than consumers, and to belong more than to buy. In a world of increasing complexity and sophistication, parents cannot expect to "do all" and "be all" for their teens. Our ability to help them make healthy connections will be at least as important as things we do for and with them directly. There is a lot more to this that we will go over. For now, we want to give you an overview of some of the main things we need to do with our teens, and why. Then we will spend the bulk of this book with practical, parent-tested, emotionally intelligent ways "how." We don't want to give you more than you can use, but we want to give you enough so that you have choices and can find approaches that fit your circumstances, children, and style. Above all, we want to help you engage in parenting by choice, not by chance. Excerpted from Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers: Parenting with Love, Laughter, and Limits by Maurice J. Elias, Steven E. Tobias, Brian S. Friedlander All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

Table of Contents

Gotham Chopra
Acknowledgmentsp. vii
Forewordp. xi
Part 1 Prepare Yourself to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Teenagerp. 1
Chapter 1 Parenting by Choice and Not by Chance: Applying Emotionally Intelligent Parenting in Hectic Timesp. 3
Chapter 2 Love, Laughter, Limits, and Linkages: How to Build a Respectful Relationship with Your Teenagerp. 24
Chapter 3 What Our Teenagers Require for Healthy Identity Developmentp. 46
Chapter 4 Making Your Household an Expanding Oasis of Peace in a Desert of Pressure and Stressp. 66
Chapter 5 Don't Start with Our Teens, Start with Ourselves: The E.Q. Parenting Surveyp. 92
Part 2 A Toolbox for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting of Your Teensp. 111
Chapter 6 ESP, FLASH, and Other Emotionally Intelligent Parenting Tools in Your Toolboxp. 115
Part 3 Using Your Tools: Some Examples for the Real Worldp. 135
Chapter 7 Stories of Teens, Peers, and Parentsp. 141
Chapter 8 Parent-Teen Vignettes and Conversations: Help Your Early Adolescents Deal with Stress and Help Your Older Teens Deal with Sex, Love, and Relationshipsp. 162
Chapter 9 The Clinical Corner: How to Spot and Handle Tough Situationsp. 203
Chapter 10 Something for Teenagers to Read, Especially with Their Parentsp. 222
Recommended Readingsp. 245
Recommended Web Sitesp. 247
Indexp. 248
Emotionally Intelligent Parenting Circles and Networksp. 253
Outline for Conducting Emotionally Intelligent Parenting Circlesp. 255
Guidelines for Reading and for Leading Discussionsp. 257