Cover image for Easy to love, difficult to discipline : the seven basic skills for turning conflict into cooperation
Title:
Easy to love, difficult to discipline : the seven basic skills for turning conflict into cooperation
Author:
Bailey, Rebecca Anne, 1952-
Personal Author:
Publication Information:
New York : William Morrow, 2000.
Physical Description:
x, 285 pages ; 25 cm
Language:
English
ISBN:
9780688161163
Format :
Book

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Summary

Summary

Parents who love their children but don''t always love their children''s behavior-or their own responses to that behavior--will find powerful help in this book, which offers new discipline tools for new times. Dr. Becky Baileys unusual approach to parenting has made thousands of families happier and healthier. Why? Because her methods help parents as well as children maintain self-control while building confidence and competence in conflict situations.

Based on Dr. Bailey''s more than twenty-five years of work with children of all ages, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline first helps parents become aware of how they treat themselves-because how we discipline ourselves is how we discipline our children. She teaches Seven Powers for Self-Control, which dramatically increase our resourcefulness in any sticky, situation with children from toddler through school age. From these we learn Seven Basic Discipline Skills to help children move "from willfull to willing" in day-to-day encounters at home and at school. As children internalize these skills, they naturally acquire Seven Values for Living, which include integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility, andmore.

Down-to-earth anecdotes show the process in action, and a seven-week program gets parents off to a quick start. The results far exceed most parents'' dreams. Using the examples, expertise, and humor that have endeared her to families nationwide, Dr. Bailey gives us the tools to stop policing and pleading, and start being the parents we want to be.

Parents who love their children, but who don''t always love their children''s behavior--or their own responses to that behavior--will find powerful help in this book that offers new discipline tools for new times. Dr. Becky Bailey''s unusual approach to parenting has made thousands of families happier and healthier. Why? Because her methods help parents as well as children maintain self-control while building confidence and competence in conflict situations.

Based on Dr. Becky Bailey''s more than 25 years of work with children of all ages, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline first helps parents become aware of how they treat themselves-because how we discipline ourselves is how we discipline our children. She teaches Seven Powers for Self Control that dramatically increase our resourcefulness in any sticky situation with children from toddler through school age. From these we learn Seven Basic Discipline Skills to help children move "from willful to willing" in day-to-day encounters at home and at school. As children internalize these skills, they naturally acquire Seven Values for Living that include integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility, and more.

Down-to-earth anecdotes show the process in action, and a seven-week program gets parents off to a quick start. The results far exceed most parents'' dreams. Packed with the examples, expertise and humor that have endeared her to families nationwide, Becky Bailey gives us the tools to stop policing and pleading and start being the parents we want to be.Parents who love their children, but who don''t always love their children''s behavior--or their own responses to that behavior--will find powerful help in this book that offers new discipline tools for new times. Dr. Becky Bailey''s unusual approach to parenting has made thousands of families happier and healthier. Why? Because her methods help parents as well as children maintain self-control while building confidence and competence in conflict situations.

Based on Dr. Becky Bailey''s more than 25 years of work with children of all ages, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline first helps parents become aware of how they treat themselves-because how we discipline ourselves is how we discipline our children. She teaches Seven Powers for Self Control that dramatically increase our resourcefulness in any sticky situation with children from toddler through school age. From these we learn Seven Basic Discipline Skills to help children move "from willful to willing" in day-to-day encounters at home and at school. As children internalize these skills, they naturally acquire Seven Values for Living that include integrity, respect, compassion, responsibility, and more.

Down-to-earth anecdotes show the process in action, and a seven-week program gets parents off to a quick start. The results far exceed most parents'' dreams. Packed with the examples, expertise and humor that have endeared her to families nationwide, Becky Bailey gives us the tools to stop policing and pleading and start being the parents we want to be.


Author Notes

Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in psychology, with a concentration in early childhood education and development.


Reviews 2

Publisher's Weekly Review

A developmental psychology specialist and early childhood education expert, Bailey contends that the difficult but rewarding task of guiding children's behavior starts only when parents are able to discipline themselves and become models of self-control. By following the author's "7 Powers for Self-Control" (attention, love, acceptance, perception, intention, free will and unity), the parent will then be equipped to use the "7 Basic Discipline Skills" (including choices, encouragement and consequences). Bailey dismisses the familiar fear-inspired approach to discipline many grew up with (including threats and punishment), claiming that it inevitably leads children to make biologically driven choices and may even effect the brain due to the high levels of stress hormones released. Also rejecting the permissive parenting style now popular that favors "reasoning" (which, according to the author, imbues children with a victim mentality), Bailey instead promotes instilling an awareness of misbehavior through communication. Though some may be put off by the gimmicky overuse of slogans and buzz words, Bailey's underlying message is positive and hopeful, supported with humorous anecdotes and helpful solutions to even chronic discipline problems. (Feb.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved


Library Journal Review

Frustrated because your kid won't get in her car seat? Grumpy ever since your son decided that cleaning his room was optional? Ever feel bad after screaming at your kids for these and other things? Moans. Groans. Alas, parenting is no picnic. Bailey (There's Gotta Be a Better Way) acknowledges this and, in this insightful manual, suggests a disciplinary framework called "loving guidance." Loving guidance begins when parents learn seven "powers of self-control," which include acceptance and intention. Next, parents exercise seven basic discipline skills, such as empathy and maintaining composure. The goal is to teach kids the seven "values for living," including respect, compassion, and responsibility. Numerous, often funny lessons akin to those in Mark L. Brenner's When "No" Gets You Nowhere (Prima, 1997) help parents apply the concepts to daily life. Recommended for public libraries.--Douglas C. Lord, Hartford P.L., CT (c) Copyright 2010. Library Journals LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of Media Source, Inc. No redistribution permitted.


Excerpts

Excerpts

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation Chapter One From Willful to Willing A wonderful woman who lived in a shoe Had so many children, And she knew exactly what to do. She held them, She rocked them, She tucked them in bed, "I love you, I love you" Is what she said. Have you ever thought, I have tried everything possible to get my child to get dressed (or do his homework, or clean his room) and then sadly said to yourself, I give up"? Have you ever punished your child and later felt guilty for having behaved in a way that you swore you never would? Have you ever promised yourself to exercise regularly, eat better, or spend more time with loved ones, but found that the promises you made to yourself are difficult to keep? Have you then given up, or felt guilty? I wrote this book to help you permanently change your own behavior, because only by learning to discipline yourself will you be able to successfully guide your children's behavior. I will show why achieving self-control and self-discipline allows you to know exactly what to do in order to discipline your children. If I asked you to teach a class in nuclear physics, could you do it? Probably not. Could you teach your child how to pole-vault? Again, probably not. You cannot teach what you do not know. Yet we often demand that children acquire skills that we ourselves lack. We ask children to do as we say, not as we do. Parents yell, "Go to your room until you are in control of yourself." A mother grabs a toy that two preschoolers; are tussling over and says, "You know better than to grab toys from your friends. It's mine now!" Husbands and wives battle with each other, using attack skills such as name-calling and withdrawal. Then they demand that their children resolve conflicts calmly, by discussing them. Our own emotional intelligence is primitive at best, and whether we admit it or not, we pass our emotional clumsiness on to our children. For most of us, being consistently in control of ourselves represents a major change. So this book is about change: It's about learning to change your own behavior, and your children's behavior, so that you can grow closer, embrace and resolve conflict, and enjoy life. Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve. Delightful surprises await you. Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve. Imagine telling your child one time to take a shower--and him actually marching off to do it! Imagine promising yourself to either conquer your clutter, or to relax about it--and then keeping your promise. This book will help you realize these possibilituies and many, many others. Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline can help you become the person you want your child to emulate. It will take your self-discipline and child-rearing skills to new levels. You will learn how to move beyond policing your children with rules and consequences, and discover how to create a home in which healthy relationships flourish and your children voluntarily choose to cooperate. Sounds impossible? The revised Mother Goose nursery rhyme at the start of this chapter contains all the needed ingredients. If you want your children to change, you must begin by becoming a wonderfully loving adult. You must focus on what you want to have happen instead of what you don't want. You must rely on love, not fear, to motivate yourself and your children. When you learn to love yourself, you will be ready to teach your children to love themselves and one another. This is a radically different approach from the one summarized in the original rhyme, which goes like this: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She had so many children She didn't know what to do. She gave them some broth Without any bread; She whipped them all soundly And put them to bed. Have you ever manipulated your child with food like Mother Goose did? ("If you behave while I shop, I'll take you to McDonald's.") Have you ever, in desperation, spanked your child? Unsure of how to proceed, have you sent your child to his room, or put him in "time out"? How often have you felt like the tired "old woman" (or a tired old dad) after surviving a day with your children, fighting battle after battle? The house really can feel as cramped as a shoe with laces tied too tightly. How would tomorrow feel if you did know what to do? When your children tormented one another, you would be able to teach them how to resolve their conflicts, rather than resorting to playing "bad cop." When your children refused to clean up, you would know how to help them move past resistance and toward cooperation, rather than turning to nagging, punishment, or doing the task yourself. When your children lost control, you would know how to help them calm down and reorganize themselves, rather than outshouting them. Imagine knowing exactly what to do! Times Have Changed and So Must We When it comes to describing our social situation, "Times have changed" is an understatement. There have been many shifts in our society, yet none so profound as the shift from roles to relationships. Building steam in the late fifties, society began to enter bold new territory. Collectively, we decided that the roles of the past were too limiting. The roles of husband and wife had been explicitly defined. The role of child (to be seen and not heard) and the role of parent (as boss) had been clearly articulated. Relationships were... Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation . Copyright © by Becky Bailey. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold. Excerpted from Easy to Love Difficult Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation by Becky A. Bailey All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgementsp. VII
1. From Willful to Willingp. 1
2. The Seven Powers for Self-Controlp. 25
3. The Seven Basic Discipline Skillsp. 51
4. Assertiveness: Saying No and Being Heardp. 73
5. Choices: Building Self-Esteem and Willpowerp. 97
6. Encouragement: Honoring Your Children So They Can Honor Youp. 121
7. Positive Intent: Turning Resistance Into Cooperationp. 143
8. Empathy: Handling The Fussing and the Fitsp. 165
9. Consequences: Helping Children Learn From Their Mistakesp. 187
10. Why Children do What They do: the Development of Misbehaviorp. 213
11. Loving Guidance in Action: Solving the Top Discipline Problemsp. 237
Parents Doing Their Job
"Stay in the yard and play"p. 241
"Get in your car seat"p. 241
"Clean your room"p. 242
"Finish your homework"p. 243
"Stop hitting your brother--be nice"p. 244
"It's bedtime"p. 245
"I'm stopping this car right now"p. 247
Children Doing Their Job
"I had it first"p. 248
"I'm telling"p. 249
"Look at me!" "Watch me!" "Watch me!"p. 250
"I didn't do it"p. 251
"I hate you"p. 252
"Why can't I? Everyone else does."p. 253
"Sydney isn't eating her peas"p. 254
12. The Loving Guidance Program: Change your Life in Seven Weeksp. 257
Epiloguep. 271
The "What-Ifs" Pagep. 272
Referencesp. 273
Indexp. 277