Cover image for If I were a man, I'd marry me
If I were a man, I'd marry me
Wall, P. S. (Paula S.), 1954-
Publication Information:
New York : Ballantine Pub. Group, [1999]

Physical Description:
ix, 226 pages ; 22 cm
Format :


Call Number
Material Type
Home Location
Central Library PN4874.W278 A3 1999 Adult Non-Fiction Non-Fiction Area

On Order



It's no understatement when the Atlanta Journal & Constitution calls P. S. Wall "Erma Bombeck with attitude." Who else but Wall could blithely recount flying first class next to a call girl and trying on her fifteen-hundred-dollar "chocolate for your feet" shoes? "Oooooh, yes!" Now, America's wry new humorist--whose award-winning newspaper column "Off the Wall" is syndicated nationwide--casts her penetrating eye on everything from felines to Elvis, dieting to weed whackers, country living to sexy French tour guides. With her innate irreverence and sharp-as-nails sense of humor, she raises ordinary life to fiercely funny new heights. Younger men: "If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a relationship with a jockey strap. There's just no give, and expansion is totally out of the question." Speeding:  "Traffic police are a mystery to me. As far as I'm concerned, it's just not natural for a guy to stop a woman for going too fast." Past loves: "Old lovers are like socks. They always show up full of static cling and missing their mate." Convictions: "There's nothing I hate more than having my convictions put to the test. That's why I try not to have any." Cars: "Buying a truck is like dating. If you're not careful, you'll end up paying for that test drive the rest of your life." Politics: "In our neck of the woods, 'politically correct' means mounting your Rush Limbaugh sticker on the right side of the bumper." There's just no stopping a woman with a "smart-aleck streak as wide as she claims her posterior to be." * Both acerbic and playful, If I Were A Man, I'd Marry Me is humor with a savvy sting. * Minneapolis Star Tribune

Reviews 2

Booklist Review

Wall, who shares her off-kilter comments on life and love, men and women, friends and family in the syndicated column "Off the Wall," here offers a second collection of jaundiced gems. (Her first was My Love Is Free . . . But the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap, 1997.) The opening section takes on the absurdities of how men and women get along together, from mowing the lawn and doing the laundry to breast enhancement and falling in love with a younger man. Wall's friends and acquaintances take it on the chin in a section headed "With Friends Like These, Who Needs Drugs?," while family members (including family pets) are the subject of "The Nut Doesn't Fall Far from the Family Tree." Two brief samples: "Getting Personal" opens with "You know you've been out of the dating scene a while when you think DWM is a German car," and "Old Lovers" declares "Old lovers are like socks. They always show up full of static cling and missing their mate." Light, entertaining reading. --Mary Carroll

Publisher's Weekly Review

As this collection of Wall's syndicated "Off the Wall" columns shows, the author has opinions about almost everything having to do with relationships. Wall (My Love Is Free... but the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap) and her friends can spend endless time and energy discussing, complaining and laughing about the men in their lives. In "The Mattress Authority," Wall recounts an overcrowded flight. After upgrading to first class and leaving her companion (referred to as Sweetie), she finds herself seated next to a hooker ("Actually, I prefer escort"). For the rest of the flight, Wall listens carefully as the escort shows off her $1500 custom-made Italian stilettos and talks about the advantages of waxing over shaving. In "Dress," Wall describes how many outfits she must try on before pleasing Sweetie. "Help me out here," she says. "What am I aiming for?" To which Sweetie replies: "Oh, you know... conservative, without concealing the fact that you're a woman. Sophisticated, yet playful. Worldly, but Made in America." In "Faithful," Wall reports that a woman named Gloria, who's working on her husband's political campaign, wants to know if she's being unfaithful if she dreams about another manÄin this case, Al Gore(!). Funny and amusing, Wall delivers her insights lightly and never takes herself too seriously. (Aug.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved



Jockey Strap Love My girlfriend is dating a younger man. Let me clarify that. Actually, she's dating an embryo. I have jeans older than this boy. This afternoon we met for lunch, and I can't say it went that well. Through the whole meal I couldn't decide whether to rip his shirt off or cut his chicken into bite-size pieces. I will admit, sitting there next to her baby beau, Kat looks great. It's as though she's found the fountain of youth. Or at least a twenty-ounce returnable bottle. "Isn't she bold?" the kid says as he watches Kat walk across the restaurant to the ladies' room. I look up from my penne pasta to see who in the world he's talking about. Kat's a good friend and I love her like a sister, but I can't say bold is an adjective that immediately comes to mind. Italic, maybe, but not bold. "See, the thing about older women is," he says, "they are just so-ooo together. I mean, like, they know what they want and they go for it." Suddenly a choir of angels bursts into the Hallelujah Chorus and tears well up in my eyes. I have been blessed with a vision. I'm not getting older. I'm getting more together. "And . . ." the kid adds, his mouth full, "they pick up the check." Why a woman would date a younger guy is a mystery to me. Intellectually, I realize age doesn't have anything to do with anything. I know fifty-year-old women who have twenty-year-old bodies, and forty-year-old women who are dumb as squash. But let's face it, boys do not drop out of the womb gracious creatures. If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a relationship with a jock strap. There's just no give, and expansion is totally out of the question. So I ask my cousin to explain it to me. She's a psychologist. She knows about these things. "Either it's a classic case of a woman's pathetic attempt to regain the lost exhilaration of youth," Cuz says analytically. "Or she's got the hots for young studs." Guys are like dogs. You wish you could take them all home when they're puppies. But after they've howled all night and slobbered all over everything, you come to realize that the ones who are already trained are much easier to live with. I will admit there is something about a young guy that causes the heart to flutter. But for me, it is mostly those rare moments when the man he might become manages to flicker through. It takes time and experience for a boy to ripen into a man of quiet character. I'll take sophistication and wisdom over youth any day of the week. Give me the man who knows what he wants and goes for it. And of course, one who can pick up the check. Excerpted from If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

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