Cover image for The X-rated Bible : an irreverent survey of sex in the scriptures
Title:
The X-rated Bible : an irreverent survey of sex in the scriptures
Author:
Akerley, Ben Edward.
Personal Author:
Publication Information:
Venice, Calif. : Feral House, [1998]

©1998
Physical Description:
xxiii, 245 pages : illustrations ; 23 cm
Language:
English
Title Subject:
Subject Term:
ISBN:
9780922915552
Format :
Book

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Material Type
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Status
Central Library BS680.S5 A44 1998 Adult Non-Fiction Central Closed Stacks
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Summary

Summary

Lewd! Bizarre! Pornographic! Found in nearly every home, within reach of underage children, is a book plump with lecherous scenes normally confined to the sin-bins marked Adults Only.' That's right, we're talking about the Bible, a book filled with incest, rape, adultery, prostitution, bestiality and much more of the nasty stuff. First published in 1985 to national nausea, this expanded edition of 'The X-Rated Bible' excerpts and explains many of the weird, dirty stories found in the Holy Writ and, of course, saves you the trouble of searching them out.'


Excerpts

Excerpts

Chapter One IN THE BEGINNING WAS INCEST Literalists continuously refer to the story of Adam and Eve. They should more properly allude to the "stories" of Adam and Eve since Genesis contains two parallel but decidedly divergent versions of the creation legend.     In the first account, man and woman were created simultaneously. Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.     In the second account, a man was created out of dust and named Adam and then later a woman was created from one of his ribs. Genesis 2:21-23 21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. 22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.     But in both renderings of the mythical epic, Jehovah's edict to be fruitful and multiply was obeyed. That command alone has resulted in our present ecological mess with overpopulation ravaging our fragile planet. Genesis 4:1-2 1 And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. 2 And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.     The word translated here as "knew" is the Hebrew verb yada which, in this context, could best be rendered in modern English as "had sexual relations with." The next passage relating that Cain "knew" his wife is the one from which we can infer incest, for he would have had to cohabit either with his own mother Eve or with one of his unnamed sisters. Genesis 4:17 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.     It is only an inference, of course, for it is possible that there existed another couple in the creation fable, but that they were simply omitted from the narrative. Under this hypothesis, Cain would have married one of their daughters.     The fundamentalist explanation is that Jehovah did not see fit to create more than one couple and that the usual eugenic objections to incest simply do not apply here because of the pristine purity of the race at that time.     To be sure, incestuous liaisons were to become quite commonplace throughout the Bible. Moses, the great leader of Israel, was himself a son of incest. Exodus 6:20 And Amram took him Joch'ebed his father's sister to wife: and she bare him Aaron and Moses: and the years of life of Amram were a hundred and thirty and seven years.     Surely an omnipotent deity could have avoided even the suggestion of incest by including at least two couples in his plan of special creation and thus precluding any speculation about what has since become the strongest universal taboo.     Many Biblical interpreters of the modern school also see sexual overtones in the expulsion of Adam and Eve from Eden. They insist that their original sin was not just in partaking of the forbidden apple but rather the story of forbidden fruit is simply an allegory for sexual intercourse.     Theologians who oppose this theory of sexual original sin make a persuasive case for their argument by stating that if Jehovah had indeed given the edict to be fruitful and multiply, he would hardly have condemned Adam and Eve for obeying his explicit instructions.     At any rate, the fragmentary and ambiguous narrative leaves room for speculation about incest having occurred either on a mother and son basis (Eve and Cain) or on a brother and sister basis (Cain and his sister). It cannot be ruled out as unlikely since other episodes in the Holy Writ reinforce the notion that there's nothing wrong with incest as long as it's kept in the family. Chapter Two AMNON RAPES HIS SISTER TAMAR Amnon's infatuation with his half-sister was of such magnitude that he became physically ill as a result of his amorous ardor. He didn't know exactly how to get to Tamar since she was still a virgin and seeing her privately was very difficult because of the custom of segregating young men and women from one another. II Samuel 13:1-2 1 And it came to pass after this, that Ab'salom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her. 2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do anything to her.     Amnon had a cousin Jonadab who was very crafty and it was his suggestion that if Amnon wanted so badly to see Tamar in private, he should feign sickness and then ask his father David to allow Tamar to minister unto him. II Samuel 13:3-5 3 But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jon'adab, the son of Shim'e-ah David's brother: and Jon'adab was a very subtile man. 4 And he said unto him. Why art thou, being the king's son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Ab'salom's sister. 5 And Jon'adab said unto him. Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him. I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.     Amnon followed Jonadab's advice and his father David granted his request and sent Tamar to wait on him. Amnon sent all the men away from his chamber so that he and Tamar would be alone at last. II Samuel 13:6-10 6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to sec him. Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand. 7 Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon's house; and dress him meat. 8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes. 9 And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him. 10 And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.     When Tamar entered Amnon's bedroom with the food, he asked her to go to bed with him. She refused saying that it was a crime of incest. She then suggested that Amnon speak to David and ask him for her hand in marriage so that there would be no scandal about the affair. II Samuel 13:11-13 11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her. Come lie with me, my sister. 12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. 13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king: for he will not withhold me from thee.     But Amnon would not listen to reason. He forcibly raped Tamar and then hated her for having refused him, his hatred exceeding the love he had felt for her. Amnon had his servant put Tamar out of his quarters. As Tamar left, she rent her clothes, put ashes on her head and went away weeping. II Samuel 13:14-19 14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her. 15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. 16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her. 17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her. 18 And she had a garment of divers colors upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins appareled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her. 19 And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colors that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.     In this narrative, there emerges a hierarchy of sin which will run throughout the entire Bible. In verse 16, Tamar complained more about Amnon's rejection of her afterwards than she did about the actual acts of incest and rape. Her own words to Amnon were: "This evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me."     When Tamar's full-brother Absalom learned of her being violated by Amnon, he tried to console her by saying that since it was all in the family, it was not really such a terrible thing. But David was very upset by what Amnon had done.     Absalom said nothing to Amnon about his violation of Tamar, yet inside himself, he detested Amnon for his nefarious act. II Samuel 13:20-22 20 And Ab'salom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Ab'salom's house. 21 But when king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth. 22 And Ab'salom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Ab'salom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.     Absalom seethed with rage for two years and finally gave vent to his anger by having Amnon murdered so that Tamar's honor could be avenged. II Samuel 13:23-29 23 And it came to pass after two full years, that Ab'salom had sheepshearers in Ba'al-ha'zor, which is beside Ephraim: and Ab'salom invited all the king's sons. 24 And Ab'salom came to the king, and said, Behold now, thy servant hath sheepshearers; let the king, I beseech thee, and his servants go with thy Servant. 25 And the king said to Ab'salom, Nay, my son, let us not all now go, lest we be chargeable unto thee. And he pressed him: howbeit he would not go, but blessed him. 26 Then said Ab'salom, If not, I pray thee, let my brother Amnon go with us. And the king said unto him, Why should he go with thee? 27 But Ab'salom pressed him, that he let Amnon and all the king's sons go with him. 28 Now Ab'salom had commanded his servants, saying, Mark ye now when Amnon's heart is merry with wine, and when I say unto you, Smite Amnon; then kill him, fear not: have not I commanded you? be courageous, and be valiant. 29 And the servants of Ab'salom did unto Amnon as Ab'salom had commanded. Then all the king's sons arose, and every man gat him up upon his mule, and fled.     It is a fascinating commentary on human nature that after Absalom's revenge for Amnon's incestuous bond with Tamar, Absalom himself was to be guilty of the same act of incest, except that in his case, it was to be a multiple act of incest against his own father David (see Chapter 4).     When Amnon approached Tamar, he undoubtedly already knew of the legal prohibitions against copulation with his own sister, even though she was only his half-sister. When he first accosted Tamar, she forcefully reminded him that what he was asking of her was against the Hebrew law. Leviticus 20:17 And if a man shall take his sister, his father's daughter, or his mother's daughter, and see her nakedness, and she see his nakedness; it is a wicked thing; and they shall be cut off in the sight of their people: he hath uncovered his sister's nakedness; he shall bear his iniquity. Deuteronomy 27:22 Cursed be he that lieth with his sister, the daughter of his father, or the daughter of his mother; and all the people shall say, Amen.     Tamar's suggestion that David might be willing to give her to Amnon in marriage indicates that matrimony between a brother and a sister was not out of the question at this stage in Israel's history. But what remains unclear is whether this was traditional or merely an exception because they were both from a royal family or because they were only half-brother and half-sister. Chapter Three LOT KNOCKS UP BOTH HIS DAUGHTERS Lot's wife apparently yearned for what she had to leave behind in Sodom (see Chapter 11) and Jehovah's penalty for her looking back as the city of the plain burned was to turn her into a pillar of salt. Genesis 19:26-29 26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. 27 And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the Lord: 28 and he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace. 29 And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.     Lot was fearful of the people of Zoar and he and his two daughters headed for the nearby mountains where they decided to live in a cave. Genesis 19:30 And Lot went up out of Zo'ar and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zo'ar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.     Because of the fate of their mother, Lot's two daughters were determined that their clan should continue uninterrupted and since their father was seemingly unwilling to let them marry any of the local men, before Lot was too old to father any more progeny, they decided literally to take matters into their own hands. It is also not unlikely that they still harbored some resentment toward their father for having proffered them both to that lustful mob of men clamoring outside of their home in Sodom (see Chapter 11). Had those Sodomites been willing to accept Lot's proposition, it is entirely possible that both of them would have been fatally abused by that lecherous mob. Therefore, Lot's daughters decided to get their father thoroughly soused before screwing him. Maybe the young women were concerned that if their dad was sober, he would not have been able to get it up with his own daughters. So they felt that by pouring wine into him until he got stiff (both figuratively and literally), they would at least solve the problem of temporary impotence. Genesis 19:31-33 31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: 32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.     The following day, the elder daughter suggested that her younger sister repeat the incestuous act and that night, they got Lot drunk once again and this time the younger daughter took her turn lying with her father. In both cases, Lot's drunken stupor was so great that he didn't even realize he was having sexual relations with his daughters. Genesis 19:34-35 34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the Younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.     Both young women became pregnant by their father Lot and their plan to preserve his seed was successful. Genesis 19:36-38 36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. 37 And the firstborn bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day. 38 And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Ben-am'mi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.     The tale of Lot and his daughters is a favorite topic when I do talk shows, so let me now give you an idea of how a debate usually goes. Baptist Minister: In your The X-Rated Bible , are you saying that the Word of God is as bad as pornographic magazines like Playboy, Penthouse, and Forum? Akerley: I'm saying that Playboy, Penthouse, and Forum do not claim to be inspired. Baptist Minister: Oh sure, there's a lot of immorality mentioned in the Scriptures, but God always uses those examples to teach us a moral lesson about what we should not do. Akerley: What about Lot's two daughters getting their father intoxicated and then becoming pregnant by him? Baptist Minister: They did that because they were the only survivors after God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for their perversion and terrible sinfulness. Akerley: But the account says that they hid in a cave near Zoar because Lot was fearful of the people nearby. Baptist Minister: Well then his daughters thought they were the only ones left on earth. Akerley: So why did they have to get Lot drunk? Wouldn't he have understood the wisdom of their plan to repopulate a devastated world? Baptist Minister: God moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform!     Apologists insist that even tales of sexual impropriety in the Good Book serve as a moral lesson. I must confess that I have searched long and hard (very hard ) for one in this narrative and the only moral imperative that I can detect is that if two daughters want to commit incest with their own father, the older one should get her chance to fuck daddy first! Chapter Four ABSALOM'S DEFIANT ACT OF MULTIPLE INCEST Absalom had joined with all the men of Israel in a conspiracy against his father David. When David fled Jerusalem before Absalom's arrival there, he left ten of his concubines (mistresses) to keep the house. II Samuel 15:16 And the king went forth, and all his household after him. And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house.     When Absalom arrived in Jerusalem, he fornicated with the ten concubines in a special tent constructed on the roof of the palace so that all Israel would be aware of what he was doing. His act of multiple incest was the ultimate symbol of his utter disdain for David's authority.     Of course, this had all been predicted by the prophet Nathan and Absalom was merely fulfilling the prophetic vision which Nathan had already shared with David prior to Absalom's birth (see Chapter 18).     Absalom's fulfillment of the prophecy provided all Israel with an opportunity to become voyeurs while watching the royal philanderer "hard" at work. II Samuel 16:15-23 15 And Ab'salom, and all the people the men of Israel, came to Jerusalem, and Ahith'ophel with him. 16 And it came to pass, when Hu'shai the Archite, David's friend, was come unto Ab'salom that Hu'shai said unto Ab'salom, God save the king, God save the king. 17 And Ab'salom said to Hu'shai, Is this thy kindness to thy friend? why wentest thou not with thy friend? 18 And Hu'shai said unto Ab'salom, Nay; but whom the Lord, and this people, and all the men of Israel, choose, his will I be, and with him will I abide. 19 And again, whom should I serve? should I not serve in the presence of his son? as I have served in thy father's presence, so will I be in thy presence. 20 Then said Ab'salom to Ahith'ophel, Give counsel among you what we shall do. 21 And Ahith'ophel said unto Ab'salom, Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house; and all Israel shall hear that thou art abhorred of thy father: then shall the hands of all that are with thee be strong. 22 So they spread Ab'salom a tent upon the top of the house; and Ab'salom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel. 23 And the counsel of Ahith'ophel, which he counseled in those days, was as if a man had inquired at the oracle of God: so was all the counsel of Ahith'ophel both with David and with Ab'salom.     After David's return to Jerusalem, he virtually disowned these ten concubines who had slept with Absalom. He made them prisoners in their own house and never had sexual relations with them again. They remained prisoners of David until their deaths, for by imposing this sexual quarantine, the king regained some of the honor he had lost through Absalom's shameful actions. II Samuel 20:3 And David came to his house at Jerusalem; and the king took the ten women his concubines, whom, he had left to keep the house, and put them in ward, and fed them, but went not in unto them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living in widowhood.     Despite Absalom's rebellion and estrangement from his father, David still loved him deeply. Absalom met his demise when he caught his head in a tree branch as he was riding along on a mule and was murdered by Joab who plunged three daggers into Absalom's heart while he dangled from the tree. To make sure that the job was complete, the ten armor-bearers who accompanied Absalom also stabbed him (II Samuel 18:9-15). Upon learning of Absalom's death, David was overcome with uncontrollable grief and mourned greatly for his slain son. Copyright © 1998 Ben Edward Akerley and Feral House. All rights reserved.

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